AND NOW! APOLLO'S FINE CHARIOTS, THE ONLY CHARIOT COMPANY FEATURING "FINE CORINTHIAN LEATHER INTERIORS", PROUDLY PRESENTS

"THE I LOVE ALCESTIS SHOW!!!!"

STARRING EVERYONE'S FAVORITE DIZZY HOUSEWIFE, ALCESTIS!!

With this weeks special guest star, Greek's favorite funny man and hero.....

HERCULES !!!

(up wild applause and laughter.. fade and out..)

Also starring Alcestis's husband Admetus, with a very special

appearance by Mr. Death.

(wild cheering and applause.. fade out..)

SCENE 1: HOME OF ALCESTIS AND ADMETUS...

Alcestis (played by Lucille Ball) is wearing work clothes and a

hankerchief tied around her head. She is dusting with a feather

duster and knocks a Grecian urn off the shelf.

ALCESTIS: "WAAAAAAHHHHHHH !!!"

(subdued laughter.. fade..)

ALCESTIS: "Not another one!! That's the third urn this week! And

Admetus is due home any minute!.. (sniffs the air).. Oh my gosh..

what's burning!!?

Alcestis runs into the smoke filled kitchen where a befuddled male

servant named Fred and Alcestis' maidservant Ethel are standing

staring at a charred goat.

ALCESTIS: "Not the GOAT !! and Admetus sent a messenger saying he

was bringing home a very important guest. NOW what do we do?

Alcestis, Fred, and Ethel all look at each other and burst into tears.

ALL: "WAAAAAAHHHHHH !!!"

(laughter up .. under.. applause.. fade)

Voice with Cuban accent offstage: "HI HONEY, I'M HOME !"

ALCESTIS: "Oh no! It's Admetus! Do something!.. I'll stall

for time."

Alcestis runs out of the kitchen to meet her husband.

ALCESTIS: "Oh hi honey, (gives him a kiss) how was your day?"

ADMETUS: (played by Dezi Arnaz) "Where's little Eumelus?"

ALCESTIS: "I think he's playing outside dear."

(looking over her shoulder she sees a figure in the shadows)

"Now won't you introduce me to our guest."

ADMETUS: "Oh sure honey, this is Mr. Death.. come on in Death..

don't be shy. This is my wife, Alcestis."

Death, (played by Christopher Lloyd), steps into the light.

Alcestis extends her hand which he promptly licks.

(subdued laughter up.. fade)

ALCESTIS: (flustered) "Well, you must be really hungry!"

(laughter... fade)

"And, (glancing over at Admetus), the servants burned the

goat!" WAAAAAHHHHH!! I COULD JUST DIE !

(at this, Death seems to perk up and he begins shaking as if laughing

at some private joke)

ADMETUS: "Oh honey, it's o.k. Mr. Death never eats anything unless

it's burned to a crisp anyway. Now just don't worry about

it."

ALCESTIS: "Excuse us a moment Mr. Death, Admetus, can I see you alone for just a moment.

Alcestis and Admetus step into another room.

ADMETUS: "What's wrong honey?"

ALCESTIS: "There is something about that guy I don't like. He keeps

looking at me funny. And he smells TERRIBLE."

(laughter.. fade..)

"Where did you meet him anyway?"

ADMETUS: "Well honey, I met him down at the club quite a few years ago.

Say, do you remember how just the other day you were telling me about how

you'd like to get away from hear for a while? Well Mr. Death is kind of an expert

in getaway vacations.

He knows all the HOT spots.

ALCESTIS: "Oh Admetus! We're going on vacation!"

(up laughter.. applause.... hold...)

ALCESTIS: "A vacation for us! Oh darling, how wonderful!"

ADMETUS: "Well, I can't go with you right now dear, you know I'm

starting that new mud wrestling show at the club, I'll

have to join you later."

(winking at audience.. and speaking softly to them)..

"much later!"

(laughter under.. fade)

ALCESTIS: "WHAT! And leave you alone.. with those mud wrestling

amazons to chase after you?"

ADMETUS: "I'll tell you what honey, I'll shave my head and wear

sackcloth, that way everyone will think someone has died

and all the women will leave me alone. I just can't get

away right now.. you understand don't you?"

ALCESTIS: "Welllll. .. I have wanted to get away.. You're sure you'll

be o.k.?"

ADMETUS: "Sure, sure, and Fred and Ethel will keep an eye on the kids

so don't worry. Now hurry, this is special charter deal and

you need to leave right now."

ALCESTIS: "Right now! I haven't even packed!"

ADMETUS: "No need, this is an uh.. an all inclusive vacation.. yeah..

that's it.. all inclusive.. clothes included.. Come on honey!"

ALCESTIS: "Well.. if you're sure..."

ADMETUS: "Yeah, Yeah, I'm sure, now hurry up. He's waiting."

Admetus leads Alcestis out to where Mr. Death is standing drooling on

his sandles. Alcestis kisses Admetus and leaves with Mr. Death.

Admetus goes to a small box which he opens and from which he removes

a scroll.

(camera zooms in on large letters on scroll which read "LIFE INSURANCE

POLICY FOR ALCESTIS, WIFE OF ADMETUS")

Smiling, Admetus shaves his head and puts on a sackcloth robe.

(up audience ooohs and ahhhs.. fade out)

(loud noises off stage.. boisterous laughter and shouting)

An obviously drunk man appears. It is Hercules. (played by

Arnold Swartzenagger)

HERCULES: (Stumbling) "Admetus!... ole buddy, HEY !

NICE Haircut ! "Where's the wine?"

(laughter... under.. fade)

ADMETUS: (claps hands.. Fred and Ethel the servents come)

"Hi Herc. Listen pal, I've gotta get to the club and

interview the female mud wrestlers. Tough job but somebodys

gotta do it." (laughter up.. fade..) Fred and Ethel will

take care of you. Oh you will stay here while you're in

town won't you."

HERCULES: (belches) "Fer sure ole buddy, I'll be here.

Admetus leaves and Hercules, after swilling a gallon

of Ripple wine, begins chasing Ethel around the room.

(laughter.. catcalls.. whistles.. up.. fade)

ETHEL: "Oh please sir, I'm too depressed."

HERCULES: "Why what's wrong my little nubile Nymph?"

(laughter.. up .. fade)

ETHEL: "It's my lady Alcestis sir... she's gone away with

Mr. Death. It's supposed to be a vacation but sir,

I have a bad feeling about this.

HERCULES: (yelling) "MR. DEATH !!! HEY I KNOW THAT GUY!! PUTS

TOGETHER VACATION PACKAGES CLEANING UP CHERNOBYL !!

I'VE GOTTA STOP 'EM !!"

(Hercules starts to run out of the room, weaving wildly,

trips over a wine bottle and falls on his face)

(up roaring laughter .. applause.. under.. fade..)

Hercules slowly gets up ... shakes himself like a dog,

sheepishly looks at Ethel and says:

HERCULES: "I'll... be.... bock..."

(much applause and laughter, fade out to commercial)

APOLLO: "HI FOLKS !"

FOLKS: "HI APOLLO !"

"Yes folks, this is the God Apollo here for APOLLO'S

FINE CHARIOTS. Where we really do have the sweetest deals in town, with easy financing. Just take a look at this little number... Full dress chassis, battle ready, hand-painted wheels, powered by a really smokin' dual dragon powerplant, and just look at that fine Corinthian Leather interior. Now I just got this little beauty from a lady named Medea who only used it once to escape a domineering husband . I'll make a real special deal on this one so hurry on down to APOLLO'S FINE CHARIOTS, corner of Zeus Avenue and Dionysus Boulevard.

Remember our motto : AT APOLLO'S FINE CHARIOTS WE DO WHAT WE SAY WE'LL DO BECAUSE HEY IF YOU CAN'T TRUST A GOD, WHO CAN YOU TRUST?"

And now back to our show.

Admetus is sitting in his club stacking up little piles of gold

coins while watching scantily clad women parade back and forth in

front of a mud wrestling pit.

(up catcalls.. whistles.. fade...)

Mr. Death comes in leading a canvas draped figure on a leash.

When Admetus sees Mr. Death he jumps up from the table spilling the

gold coin s into the mud wrestling pit. The female mud wrestlers all

jump in the pit and begin fighting over the coins.

ADMETUS: "What are YOU doing here? Are you crazy? I thought we had a deal!... I thought you'd be at Chernobyl by now!"

MR. DEATH: (hissing) "Don't get your toga in a knot Admetus. I just wanted a drink before I leave, and besides I love mud wrestling."

ADMETUS: (gesturing wildly at canvas covered shape) "But what about... ..... THAT ?!"

MR. DEATH: "Oh don't worry, I used the patented VULCAN MR. DEATH GRIP on her..., turns 'em into zombies for awhile. Don't worry about it and give me a drink."

Mr. Death sits at a table overlooking the mud wrestling pit and sips

his drink. It is at this moment that a very sweaty, wild-eyed and

drunk Hercules bursts into the club. He trips over a table, knocking

it over, falls on the floor, jumps up, trips over a chair, and sits

down hard with a pained expression on his face.

(tremendous laughter... guffaws... applause.. fade)

HERCULES: (still sitting on the floor looking dazed...)

"I need some wine."

(he suddenly jumps up as though remembering something)

HERCULES: "Admetus !!"

(runs towards Admetus, trips and falls into his arms nearly

knocking him down, regains his composure somewhat)

HERCULES: "Admetus ole buddy, Mr. Death has kidnapped your wife and

we've gotta stop 'em.. and...."

ADMETUS: "There, there Herc. You've been hallucinating again.

Alcestis is just fine. Here, sit down, have some wine,

look at the mudwrestlers."

(up boos and hisses from audience along with shouts of "don't listen to him in background.. fade..out..)

A servant brings large jug of wine which Hercules promptly chugs.

The servant brings another jug.

(laughter... fade..)

HERCULES: (slurring speech) "Bud lissen liddle buddiee, thad

Death guy iz badd newz." (mumbling to himself over

and over)... "Godda stop 'em.. Godda stop 'em."

ADMETUS: "I tell you Herc, everything's fine. Here, have some

more wine."

At this, Hercules becomes beligerent and screams at the top of his lungs....

HERCULES: " DON'T WAN NO MORE WINE !! "

Hercules picks up the full jug of wine and hurls it across the room

where it ricochets off a pillar, and then strikes Mr. Death in the

head, knocking him into the mud wrestling pit.

(audience goes crazy with laughter.. applause.. and cheers..fade)

Hercules jumps up, knocking over tables and chairs, tries to get to

the pit to help Mr. Death up.

HERCULES: "OH HOLY ZEUS, I'm sorry misser.. here, lemme help you."

Hercules slips into the mud wrestling pit, falling on Mr. Death who

lets out a muffled scream.

(up laughter.. cheers...)

Picking up Mr. Death with one hand, Hercules sniffs the air, and

holding him at arms length wrinkles up his nose....

HERCULES: "SSAAYYY... Don't I know you... yeah.. yer that bum

Mr. Death. I'd know THAT STINK anywhere...what have

you done with my liddle buddie's woman ya creep ?!"

Mr. Death, looking terrified, glances at Admetus, then at the canvas covered figure. Hercules looks at the figure, drops Mr. Death back into the mud pit and pulls off the canvas. A wild-eyed Alcestis is revealed bound with rope and with duct tape over her mouth.

Hercules picks up Mr. Death again and is ready to hit him in the mouth.

MR. DEATH: (gesturing wildly towards Admetus) "HEY ! DON'T BLAME ME!

IT WAS ALL HIS IDEA ! He did it for the insurance money !"

Hercules drops Mr. Death again, goes to Alcestis, and rips the ropes from her body and the duct tape from her mouth.

(groans from the audience)...

ALCESTIS: "WAAAAAHHHHH"... (rubbing her mouth) WOW!

That smarts!

(wild laughter.. up .. fade...)

Alcestis picks up the wine jug and begins advancing towards Admetus who is backing up towards the mud pit.

ADMETUS: "Now honey, wait a minute honey, you don't

really believe.. I mean you don't think... come on honey..put

the bottle down."

(audience responds with comments such as "go get him tiger".. whistles.. cheers... up.. fade...)

ALCESTIS: "You, you, you, RAT ! I should have listened to Medea...

you men are all alike!"

glancing at Hercules...

ALCESTIS: "Except for Hercules here...."

Alcestis hits Admetus in the head with the wine jug, he falls into the mud pit where Mr. Death grabs him.

MR. DEATH: "I will NOT leave empty handed!"

Admetus lets out a shrill scream as he and Mr. Death disappear in a puff of smoke.

(audience goes crazy with cheering... applause.. whistling..fade..)

ALCESTIS: "Oh Hercules, you saved me!.. I'll do ANYTHING

to show my appreciation"

Smiling, Hercules picks up Alcestis with one mighty arm, a fresh jug of wine in the other hand, and kissing her on the mouth jumps into the mud pit where they begin writhing in a manner that will not upset the censors.

Suddenly Hercules gets a glazed look in his eyes.. and passes out in the mud pit.

ALCESTIS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"